For Orthodox Jews, a struggle with porn or sex carries an extra weight. It’s more than a habit you want to break. It can feel like a betrayal of God, your family, your community and everything you were raised to believe. Many clients tell me they’ve prayed, made promises, fasted, increased their learning, and still could not stop.
I founded the New York Sexual Addiction Center in 2010, in Midtown Manhattan on West 34th Street, and over the years many of the men and women who have come to me have been religious, a large number of them Orthodox Jewish. Today I work with clients online. If you live in New York, my sessions are psychotherapy, and I’m licensed in New York only; if you live elsewhere, my work with you is coaching and consultation, not psychotherapy. Here’s what faith-sensitive help means for Orthodox Jewish clients, and why you don’t have to choose between your values and getting real help.
What does faith-sensitive sex addiction help mean?
For Orthodox Jewish clients, faith-sensitive help means your values are respected as part of who you are, not seen as the cause of the problem or something to be argued away. The work uses established recovery methods, and your goals, boundaries and definition of sobriety are shaped by your own values, not imposed by the clinician.
In practice, it means I won’t mock your beliefs, push you toward a more permissive view of sexuality, or assume that your faith is the problem. It also means I won’t use religious language to pile on more shame. Shame is rarely what helps anyone stop.
Why do Orthodox Jews often wait so long to get help?
Usually because of shame and fear of exposure. In close Orthodox communities, people worry about their reputation, their family, their children’s marriage prospects and their standing. Many believe they should be able to overcome it through spiritual effort alone, and see needing help as a further failure.
The result is that many people struggle in silence for years, often since their teens. By the time they call, the secret has grown, and so has the fear. If that describes you, you’re far from alone. It is one of the most common stories I hear.
Will a therapist respect my values as an Orthodox Jew?
A good one will. Ask directly how they work with Orthodox Jewish clients and whether they are comfortable with goals such as no porn and no masturbation, or intimacy only within marriage. A respectful specialist works with you to define sobriety in line with your values and won’t try to change them.
Many clients find a fellowship like Sexaholics Anonymous, whose definition of sobriety for married members is no sex with self or with anyone other than one’s spouse, fits their values well (SA, How we define sobriety). Others prefer a different approach. We can figure out together what fits.
How is a values conflict different from an addiction?
Some Orthodox Jews feel intense guilt over behavior that is fairly limited, because it clashes deeply with their values. Others are truly unable to stop despite repeated, sincere effort. Both deserve help, but they are different problems. A careful look at your history tells them apart, without dismissing your values or your struggle.
A useful question: if the guilt were lifted, could you stop? If yes, the main work may be on shame, values and self-acceptance within your tradition. If no, you’re likely dealing with a pattern that needs structured recovery work, whatever your beliefs.
Should my rabbi or spiritual leader be involved?
That’s your choice. Many clients find their rabbi is a source of strength, wisdom and practical guidance in recovery. Others are not ready to tell anyone in their community. With your written permission, I can coordinate with a rabbi or spiritual mentor, so that guidance and recovery work point in the same direction.
Spiritual guidance and specialist help do different jobs. A rabbi can address questions of halacha, teshuvah and meaning. A specialist can help with the behavioral patterns, trauma, shame and relationship damage. Many clients benefit from both, and neither replaces the other.
How can I protect my privacy in a close community?
In a close Orthodox community, online sessions are a very private option. There’s no waiting room, no office where someone might see you, and you can join from home, your car or anywhere private. I don’t bill insurance, so no claim is filed on your behalf. What you share is confidential, within legal limits.
Some practical steps: use a personal device rather than a shared or work one, join from a private space, and keep messages brief. Many filters in religious communities are installed by families or institutions; we can talk about setting up safeguards that protect your privacy as well as your recovery.
What about my marriage?
If you are married, your spouse may already know, may suspect, or may know nothing. Each situation needs a different approach. In every case, your spouse deserves support of their own. If disclosure is needed, it should be planned carefully, with professional help, so that it supports healing and protects their dignity.
Your spouse’s support is their own, separate from yours, and a rabbi’s guidance isn’t a substitute for it. You can read more about therapeutic disclosure and about betrayal trauma and partner support. A secret that keeps growing doesn’t serve shalom bayis.
Why come to me?
I’ve worked with sexual addiction for about 25 years, and much of my work has been with religious men and women, many Orthodox Jewish, and their families. I’m a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and I’ve spoken about these issues in many Jewish settings, including podcasts, community talks and a shiur on overcoming addictions with Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski.
You can find some of these on my About page, including a profile in Jew in the City (This Orthodox Jewish Therapist is Helping Sex Addicts to Take Back Their Lives) and a talk on the KMTT Torah podcast, “Shame and Secrecy on the Internet: There is a Way Out.”
Common questions
Do you only work with Orthodox Jews?
No. I work with men and women from many backgrounds, religious and not. Faith-sensitive simply means your values are respected as part of the work.
Can my spouse get support too?
Yes. Partners deserve support of their own, separate from yours. Your spouse can have their own therapist, someone who is there entirely for them.
Am I a bad person because I can’t stop?
No. Struggling with a compulsive pattern doesn’t make you a bad person. Many deeply committed, sincere people struggle with this. Recovery is possible, and getting help is an act of responsibility, not weakness.
Talk it through, privately
If you’re an Orthodox Jew struggling with porn or sex, a free, confidential 15-minute consultation is the place to start. Speak openly, ask how I work with Orthodox Jewish clients, and decide afterward. There’s no pressure to commit to anything.
If you’re in danger or thinking about harming yourself, call 911, or call or text 988 in the US. Outside the US, call your local emergency number or find a helpline at findahelpline.com.