Choosing someone to help with sex or porn addiction is a big decision. You’re about to share things you may never have told anyone. Before you start, you deserve to know that the person on the other side knows what they’re doing.
Most people don’t ask enough questions on a first call, often because they feel too ashamed to be demanding. Ask anyway. A good specialist will welcome it. These are the ten questions I’d want answered if I were choosing someone myself, with notes on what a good answer sounds like.
1. Are you licensed, and where?
Ask what license they hold and in which state or country. Licensing depends on where you live, not where the clinician is. A licensed clinician can tell you plainly what services they can offer someone in your location, and what they’ll recommend if you live somewhere they aren’t licensed.
A clear, specific answer is a good sign. Vagueness about licensing isn’t. My own answer: I’m licensed (LCSW) in New York only. For clients in New York, my sessions are therapy; for clients elsewhere, my work is coaching and consultation.
2. Do you have specialist training in sex and porn addiction?
General therapy training often covers little about compulsive sexual behavior. Ask what specific training they have. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) has completed structured training and supervision in this area. Also ask whether they’re fully certified, an associate, or still a candidate.
I explain the differences between those levels in What is a CSAT? The credential isn’t the only route to good help, but it tells you something concrete.
3. How much of your practice is sex and porn addiction?
Someone who sees one client a year with this problem will work very differently from someone who sees it every day. Ask roughly what share of their work it is and how long they have done it. Experience shows in how calmly and clearly they respond to what you tell them.
I’ve worked with sexual addiction for about 25 years and founded the New York Sexual Addiction Center in 2010. That history is the main thing I bring.
4. How do you assess what’s going on?
A good specialist will describe a careful process: questions about your history, your behaviors and their consequences, other habits such as drinking, your mood and your relationship, sometimes with structured questionnaires. Be wary of anyone who gives you a label in the first ten minutes, or who dismisses your concern without looking closely.
It’s also fair to ask how long that process takes and whether you’ll get feedback on what they see. You should come away understanding your own pattern better. A label on its own tells you very little.
5. How will we define sobriety?
Recovery needs a clear target. Ask how they help clients define which behaviors to stop and which are healthy. A good answer involves writing specific bottom lines together, based on your values and your relationship, rather than a one-size-fits-all rule or no definition at all.
Ask, too, how they handle masturbation, fantasy and other gray areas. A thoughtful answer respects your values and your relationship rather than imposing the clinician’s own.
6. What happens between sessions?
One hour a week is rarely enough on its own. Ask what they expect between sessions: tasks, reading, check-ins, support groups or accountability. A specialist with a structured approach will have a clear answer. “We’ll just talk each week” is a weak answer for this problem.
Then ask what happens if you slip. You want someone who sees a slip as information to learn from, with a clear plan for telling the people who need to know, not someone who shrugs it off or shames you.
7. How do you work with partners?
If you have a partner, the addiction has affected her too. Ask whether she can get support of her own, separate from yours, and how couples work fits in later. A good specialist sees the partner’s healing as just as important as yours, not as an add-on.
You can read more about betrayal trauma and partner therapy.
8. How do you handle disclosure?
Telling a partner the full truth is one of the most delicate parts of recovery. Ask whether they prepare structured therapeutic disclosures, how long preparation usually takes, and how the partner is supported. An unplanned “just tell her everything tonight” approach can do real harm.
My therapeutic disclosure page explains how I prepare one.
9. What if weekly sessions aren’t enough?
Ask what options they offer or refer to if progress stalls or a crisis hits: more frequent sessions, groups, an intensive, or a higher level of care. A good answer shows they’ve thought about it and will be honest with you if you need more than they provide.
I offer intensive programs for clients who need a concentrated start.
10. What are the practical terms?
Ask about fees, insurance, cancellation, scheduling, confidentiality and its legal limits, and how they handle messages between sessions. These details matter. Clear answers in writing protect you, and a clinician who explains them openly is usually just as clear in the rest of the work.
My own answers are on the practical questions page.
What are the red flags when choosing a sex addiction therapist?
Be cautious if a clinician promises a specific outcome or timeline, shames you, dismisses your partner’s pain, pushes you to disclose without preparation, avoids questions about training or licensing, or makes you feel worse about yourself after the first conversation. Discomfort is normal. Contempt isn’t.
Trust your sense of whether you were heard. It’s a reasonable guide.
Common questions
Do I need a CSAT specifically?
Not always. Some skilled clinicians without the credential do excellent work. What matters is real training and experience with this problem. The credential is one clear sign of that.
Is it rude to ask a therapist all these questions?
No. Good specialists expect and welcome them. You’re hiring someone for important, personal work.
Should I talk to more than one therapist before choosing?
If you can, yes. A short consultation with two or three people often makes the right fit obvious.
Ask me these questions
You’re welcome to ask me all ten. A free, confidential 15-minute consultation is the place to start: ask anything about how I work, and decide afterward. There’s no pressure to commit to anything.
If you’re in danger or thinking about harming yourself, call 911, or call or text 988 in the US. Outside the US, call your local emergency number or find a helpline at findahelpline.com.