A lot of bochurim carry a quiet plan. The struggle is bad right now, but once there’s a wife, it will go away by itself. So you hold on, take on another kabbalah, and wait for the chasunah to solve it.
I understand that plan. It almost never works. What I tell young men is simple: Don’t wait until you’re married to get help. It’s a thousand times better to get help before.
Why won’t the chasunah stop the porn?
On the surface, waiting makes sense. If the pull comes from being single, a wife should take care of it.
But once a shmiras einayim struggle has become compulsive, it isn’t running on the lack of a wife. It runs on whatever you use it to get away from: pressure in yeshiva, a lonely Shabbos, late nights when you can’t sleep, and the sense that everyone around you is shteiging while you fall behind. None of that ends under the chuppah. Shana rishona tends to add to it, with a new home, parnassah worries, two families to please, and learning to live with another person.
So the habit comes along. Often it goes quiet for a few weeks after sheva brachos, and the quiet feels like proof the plan worked. Then a hard stretch comes, the phone is in reach, and the old pattern is back. Only now there’s a wife in the next room who has no idea.
Here’s a composite drawn from many young men I’ve treated, with no one’s real details in it. He learned well, came from a fine family, and was redt to a wonderful girl. He told himself the internet nisayon belonged to his bochur years and would end with the vort. Eight months after the chasunah, he was awake at one in the morning again, and the secret now had a second person in it.
What’s at stake for your future wife
Your future kallah is going to build a home with you on trust. She’ll assume the man she married is the man she sees at the Shabbos table.
If an addiction to inappropriate imagery comes into the marriage hidden, she will very likely find out one day: a phone left open, a filter report, a late night that doesn’t add up. For a wife, that discovery can feel like the floor gave way. Many wives describe it as a trauma. She can’t sleep, she checks everything, and she starts to doubt her own judgment. What hurts most is often the hiding, the sense that the marriage she thought she had wasn’t the whole truth.
She never chose any of that, and you can make sure she never has to live through it. Getting help now is one of the kindest things you can do for a woman you haven’t met yet.
Why is it better to start now?
Getting help before marriage is easier in almost every way.
- Nobody else is hurt yet. You can work on the pattern without a wife’s pain to repair at the same time.
- You have time. Recovery is steady work, and the sober stretch before dating is individual. For many young men it’s often six to twelve months, set with an expert therapist.
- You get a clear line. In my work, sobriety has a definition, and I give it to you: no porn or inappropriate imagery of any kind. Once you’re married, it means no sex with yourself or with anyone but your wife. While you’re single, it means no sex at all. You know exactly where you stand before you ever meet a shidduch.
- You learn what’s underneath. Usually it’s stress, loneliness, or an old hurt that the behavior has been covering. You bring the tools for those into your marriage, instead of the habit.
Many young men start with Guard Your Eyes, and that’s a great first step. GYE has helped thousands of frum men and families with chizuk and a community that understands. If it’s holding for you, wonderful. If the struggle keeps coming back anyway, treatment adds the clinical work alongside it.
Your rav belongs in this too. Everyone should have a rav and rely on him. He guides you in halacha and avodas Hashem, and I bring the clinical side, such as when you’re ready to date. It’s one effort, each of us in our own area.
A word to parents
I treat young men 18 and up. If you’ve learned that your son is struggling, you can be part of his recovery. I’m glad to keep you involved while respecting his privacy. What he shares in therapy stays his, and with his permission, I bring you into the picture.
How to start
- Online therapy, from anywhere. Any private room works, and it fits around sedorim.
- An intensive in Ramat Beit Shemesh. One to four weeks in person, customized to you. Bein hazmanim is a great time for it.
Whether to tell a shidduch, and what, is its own question. I’ve written about it in before shidduchim: what to share. You can also read more about how I work with Orthodox Jewish men.
Common questions
Will getting married stop my porn problem?
I’m Brad Salzman, LCSW, CSAT, and young men ask me this a lot before their chasunah. Usually it won’t. Once porn has become a compulsion, it’s doing a job for you, like handling stress or loneliness, and marriage doesn’t take that job away. It’s far better to get help before.
I’m already in shidduchim. Is it too late to start?
No. Start now. When you’re ready to date is an individual, clinical decision, often after six to twelve months of solid sobriety, and we work it out together with your rav in the picture.
Can my parents be involved?
Yes, in a way that works for you. I treat men 18 and up, so what you share stays yours, and with your permission I’m glad to bring your parents in.
Start before the chasunah
You don’t have to carry this into your marriage. A free, confidential 15-minute call is a good place to begin. Tell me where things stand, ask what you want, and decide afterward.
Call or WhatsApp (212) 529-7900, or book your free call.