You’re about to start dating, or you already have. Your parents are taking calls. A shadchan has your résumé. And there’s something nobody on that résumé knows about.
Maybe it started at thirteen, with porn on a phone someone passed around in mesivta. You’ve cried about it, made kabbalos, and told yourself that once you’re married, it’ll stop. Now the thought of a wife is making the secret feel heavier, not lighter.
I want to give you two things here: permission to get real help now, and a clear way to think about the hardest question, what to tell a shidduch.
I’m a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) with 25 years treating sexual addiction. My work has haskamos from rabbanim including Rabbi Michel Twerski, the Milwaukee Rebbe, and the Hornesteipler Rebbe, and I gave a shiur on overcoming addictions with Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski. You’re far from alone.
Will getting married make the porn stop?
No. Marriage doesn’t make this go away, though almost every man I’ve treated hoped it would.
An addiction to inappropriate imagery isn’t about not having a wife. It’s a pattern your mind has learned for handling stress, loneliness, boredom, and pressure. Marriage brings plenty of all four. A new job, a new apartment, a baby, a hard shana rishona: those are exactly the moments the old pattern comes back.
Married men tell me, “I really thought the chasunah would fix it.” Then it came back, and now there’s a wife who doesn’t know.
Hillel said it plainly: אל תאמין בעצמך עד יום מותך, al ta’amin b’atzmecha ad yom moscha, don’t trust yourself until the day you die (Avos 2:4). That’s a reason to start now, instead of counting on the chasunah.
Don’t wait for marriage to get help
Don’t wait until you’re married to get help. It’s a thousand times better to get help before.
Whatever your past, the best gift you can bring to a marriage is real sobriety and a plan to keep it.
Getting help before shidduchim gives you:
- Time. You work on this while the stakes are lower and nobody else is hurt yet.
- Clarity. You find out whether this is a struggle you can manage or a compulsion that needs treatment. Those are different problems.
- A real foundation. You learn what drives the behavior, so you’re not just gritting your teeth until the wedding.
Asking for help is taking achrayus.
What does “ready to date” mean?
In my work, sobriety has a clear definition, and I give it to you. You don’t set it yourself, and it doesn’t shift depending on the week. Here it is. No inappropriate imagery. For a married man, no sex with yourself and no sex with anyone other than your wife. For a single man, no sex of any kind. That matters for shidduchim, because “I’m doing better” means nothing to you or anyone else. A clear line does.
Readiness is more than a count of days. I look at:
- Are you sober, by that definition, and is it holding?
- Do you know your pattern? The times, moods, and places that set it off, and what you do when the pull starts.
- Do you have safeguards that work? Filters and accountability that protect you without humiliating you.
- Do you have people? Someone you call on a bad night, instead of disappearing. For many young men, Guard Your Eyes (GYE) is a great first step here.
How long does that take? It’s highly individual. For many young men it’s around six to twelve months of solid sobriety, but when to date is a clinical decision to make with an expert therapist who has many years of experience with this in the frum world, not a number to pick on your own. Your rav stays part of the picture the whole way, because your recovery and your Yiddishkeit go together. Dating comes when you’re on solid ground, not as a reward for a good week.
Should I tell my shidduch?
This question keeps young men up at night, and it isn’t one to decide alone at two in the morning. It’s something your rav and I work through with you together, each in our own area.
Part of it is halacha and yashrus: what a shidduch has a right to know, and what honesty requires of you. Those questions belong to your rav, and I’d want every young man I treat to have a rav he leans on heavily. Part of it is clinical: whether you’re ready to date at all, how solid your sobriety is, and when and how a conversation like that should happen. A rav doesn’t tell a surgeon where to operate, and he relies on the doctor for the medical side of a she’eilah. In the same way, he can rely on an experienced therapist for the clinical side of this one. It’s one joint effort.
What I do is make sure that effort has what it needs:
- A clear, honest picture of where you stand. What happened, for how long, and where you are now.
- Your treatment and your sobriety, described plainly, so your rav is guiding you with real information.
- A clinical read on your readiness, so neither of you is guessing.
- If the answer is to share, help with how: timing, wording, and how much. As with a therapeutic disclosure, how it’s said matters as much as what’s said.
With your written permission, I’m glad to speak with your rav directly, so we’re pointing the same way.
A word to parents
If you’ve learned your son is struggling, slowing down shidduchim is often wise. Silence usually isn’t. Make it safe for him to get help, and let his therapist and his rav carry the rest.
How I work with young men in shidduchim
- Online therapy, anywhere in the world, from any private room. Nobody sees you walk in.
- An intensive, one to four weeks in person in Ramat Beit Shemesh, or an online intensive that usually runs three to six months, when you need a stronger start.
- My personal involvement. I plan, coordinate, and supervise your treatment, from the first call to the written aftercare plan.
You won’t have to explain the vort, the shadchan, or what people in shul would say. Read more about how I work with Orthodox Jewish clients, or start with my guide to getting help in the frum world.
Common questions
Is it normal to struggle with porn before shidduchim?
It’s very common, and nothing to be ashamed of. What matters is whether you can stop on your own. If you’ve tried and you can’t, that’s a reason to get help now.
Should I tell my shidduch about my porn addiction?
I’m Brad Salzman, LCSW, CSAT, and young men in shidduchim ask me this all the time. If you’re struggling with porn, what to share with a shidduch, and when, is something your rav and I work through with you together. He guides you in halacha. I bring the clinical side: whether you’re ready to date, and when and how a conversation like that should happen. And don’t wait until you’re married to get help. It’s a thousand times better to get help before.
How long do I need to be sober before I date?
It’s highly individual, often six to twelve months of solid sobriety, and it’s a decision to make with an experienced therapist who knows the frum world, with your rav in the picture too.
Will my rav and my therapist contradict each other?
They shouldn’t, and in my experience they don’t. Your rav and I work together, each in our own area: he guides you in halacha, and I bring the clinical side. With your permission, I speak with him directly so we’re pointing the same way.
Start before the next date
You don’t have to carry this into marriage, or work out the shidduch question, alone. A free, confidential 15-minute call is the first step. Tell me where you are, ask anything, and decide afterward.
Call or WhatsApp (212) 529-7900, or book your free call.