You added a seder. You took on a taanis. You started going to the mikvah before davening. You learned the sugyos on shmiras einayim until you could say them by heart. You cried at Neilah and meant every word.
Three weeks later, at one in the morning, you were back.
Most frum men who call me about porn have done all of this, and more. They’ve thrown everything they have at the internet nisayon, and it keeps winning. Many have quietly decided that the problem must be them: not enough yiras Shamayim, not enough emunah.
There’s another way to understand it, one you can actually work with.
I’m Brad Salzman, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) with 25 years treating sexual addiction. My work has haskamos from rabbanim including Rabbi Michel Twerski, the Milwaukee Rebbe, and the Hornesteipler Rebbe, and I gave a shiur on overcoming addictions with Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski. Rabbi Twerski spent his life telling our community that addiction is real, that it can be treated, and that getting help is nothing to be ashamed of.
Learning matters. It just isn’t built for this job.
Keep learning. Keep davening. Your Torah and your teshuva are real, and they’re often the strongest things a man brings to recovery.
But learning was never meant to be a treatment for a compulsion. Neither was a kabbalah. When a pattern has been running in your life for years, it isn’t sitting in the part of you that knows what’s right. You already know what’s right. That’s why it hurts so much.
The pattern lives somewhere else: in how you handle feelings, in what you do with shame, and in how connected you are to the people around you. That’s where it has to be treated.
The shame cycle
I see this loop in almost every frum man I treat:
- Pressure builds. Stress at work, a hard week at home, loneliness, feeling like a failure in learning.
- The pull starts. The mind drifts, long before anything happens.
- The ritual. The late night, the phone in the bathroom, the “just checking” search.
- Acting out. A few minutes of relief, of not feeling anything.
- Crushing shame. I’m disgusting. I’m a hypocrite. If people knew who I really am.
- A new resolution. A kabbalah, a taanis, a vow. Never again.
- Back to pressure, now with more shame on top.
Look at step five. Shame feels like it should stop you. It doesn’t. Shame is one of the most painful feelings a person can carry, and the behavior is how you’ve learned to escape painful feelings. So the shame from last night becomes the fuel for next week.
And step six, the resolution, isn’t a fix. It’s part of the cycle. It gives you a few days of feeling clean, and then the pressure comes back with nothing new to meet it.
If that loop sounds familiar, read when a shmiras einayim struggle becomes an addiction.
Guilt and shame are different
Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Guilt can lead to teshuva. It points you toward repair.
Shame says, “I am something wrong.” Shame doesn’t lead to teshuva. It leads to hiding, and hiding leads straight back to acting out.
A lot of frum men have only ever been taught one tool for this: feel worse. Treatment teaches you to tell the two apart, so you can take real responsibility without drowning in hating yourself. That’s the only way the teshuva can hold.
What the porn is doing for you
Almost always, an addiction to inappropriate imagery is doing a job. It takes the edge off feelings that seem too big to sit with: anxiety, boredom, anger, sadness, the sense that you never measure up.
If that’s the job, then taking it away without replacing it leaves you with the same feelings and no way to handle them. That’s why a filter alone rarely holds. The feelings find another door.
In treatment we work on this directly. You learn to notice the pull early, to name what you’re actually feeling, and to have things you can do in that moment that aren’t the old pattern. It’s slow, practical work.
Connection
Many of the men I treat are deeply alone, even with a wife, children, a chavrusa, and a full shul. Nobody really knows them. They learned young to keep their struggles to themselves, and the habit stuck.
The secret makes it worse. You can’t be close to your wife while hiding something this big. You can’t really open up to a friend. So the loneliness grows, and the behavior becomes a substitute for the closeness you don’t have.
Recovery reverses that. It means letting a few people actually know you: a therapist, a recovery partner, and in time, your wife. When the secret stops running your life, real connection becomes possible again, and the pull loses a lot of its power.
Shlomo HaMelech wrote: דאגה בלב איש ישחנה, de’agah b’lev ish yashchenah, when there’s worry in a man’s heart, let him ease it. The Gemara brings two ways to read it, and one of them is ישיחנה לאחרים, yesichenah la’acherim: let him talk it over with others (Mishlei 12:25; Yoma 75a).
What actually helps
Many men have already found Guard Your Eyes, and that’s a great first step. GYE has done a fantastic job of spreading awareness in the frum world and has helped thousands of men and families. Keep it. Here’s what therapy for the internet nisayon adds alongside it:
- A clear definition of sobriety. I give it to you at the start. No inappropriate imagery. For a married man, no sex with yourself and no sex with anyone other than your wife. For a single man, no sex of any kind. You don’t set it yourself, and it doesn’t move.
- A map of your cycle, so you know where you can step off.
- Safeguards that protect you without humiliating you.
- Work on what’s underneath, which is often old hurt or loneliness.
- A plan for the day after a slip, so one bad night doesn’t become a bad month.
- Your rav, alongside me. I’d want every client to have a rav he leans on. With your written permission, I’ll coordinate with him. He guides you in halacha and teshuva, and I bring the clinical side. We work together, each in our own area.
I offer online therapy anywhere in the world, and intensives when you need a stronger start: one to four weeks in person in Ramat Beit Shemesh, or online intensives that usually run three to six months. I’m personally involved in planning, coordinating, and supervising your treatment. You can read more about how intensives work, or about treatment for Orthodox Jewish men.
Common questions
Isn’t more Torah supposed to protect me?
Torah is a great protection, and you should keep learning. But when a pattern has become a compulsion, learning alone rarely stops it. Torah and treatment work together.
Why doesn’t learning more Torah stop my porn problem?
I’m Brad Salzman, LCSW, CSAT, and most frum men who call me have asked themselves exactly this. Once porn has become a compulsion, it’s usually handling feelings, shame, and loneliness, not filling a gap in knowledge. You already know it’s wrong. Treatment works on what’s driving it, while your learning continues.
Does needing therapy mean my teshuva isn’t real?
No. Getting help is taking responsibility. It’s often what lets your teshuva finally hold.
Will a therapist respect my standards?
Yes. Your commitment to Torah and mitzvos isn’t the problem, and I won’t try to talk you out of it.
Talk to me privately
You’ve tried harder than anyone knows. You don’t need more chizuk. You need treatment, and you don’t have to do it alone. A free, confidential 15-minute call is the first step. Tell me what’s going on, ask anything, and decide afterward.
For more background, read my guide to getting help in the frum world.
Call or WhatsApp (212) 529-7900, or book your free call.