It’s after night seder. The dorm is quiet. Everyone around you looks like they’re shteiging, and you’re lying awake with a phone you’re not supposed to have, doing the thing you promised yourself, again, you’d never do.
In the morning you’ll sit in the beis medrash and feel like a fraud.
If that’s you, you’re not the only one in your yeshiva, and you’re not a bad bochur. The ones who come out of it are the ones who stop fighting alone.
This post is for bochurim of shidduch age, and for the parents who love them. I treat men 18 and up. I’m Brad Salzman, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) with 25 years treating sexual addiction. My work has haskamos from rabbanim including Rabbi Michel Twerski, the Milwaukee Rebbe, and the Hornesteipler Rebbe, and I gave a shiur on overcoming addictions with Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski.
Asking for help is part of growing up
Bochurim tell me they didn’t ask for help because they were embarrassed. But Chazal already knew where embarrassment leads: לא הבישן למד, lo habayshan lamed, someone who is too embarrassed to ask can’t learn (Avos 2:5).
You’d never sit stuck on a sugya for three years rather than ask your chavrusa. Don’t do it here.
Asking for help is the most serious step you can take toward kedusha.
Is it a struggle with porn, or a compulsion?
Not every bochur who slips needs a therapist. Some need good filters, a rebbe they trust, and a plan. Guard Your Eyes (GYE) is a great first step for many bochurim; it has helped thousands of men and families. Others need more. Here’s how I’d think about the difference.
A struggle usually looks like this: it happens sometimes, often when you’re stressed or bored. When you set real safeguards and talk to someone, it slows down or stops. It bothers you, but it isn’t running your life.
A compulsive shmiras einayim struggle looks different:
- You’ve tried to stop, many times, and you can’t. Filters, kabbalos, a fresh start after every Yom Kippur.
- It’s growing. More time, more often, or content you never thought you’d look at.
- It’s become how you cope. Bad day, lonely Shabbos, a tough farher, and that’s where you go.
- It’s costing you. Missed sedorim, falling behind, pulling away from friends.
- The secret is getting heavier, and you’ve started to feel hopeless about it.
If several of those fit, willpower alone won’t fix it, and that’s no failing of yours. It means you need real treatment, the same way you’d need a doctor for a broken arm, no matter how much you davened.
I explain more on my page about when a shmiras einayim struggle becomes an addiction.
If you ever feel hopeless to the point of wondering whether life is worth living, please tell someone today: a parent, your rebbe, or a professional who can see you right away.
How to talk to your rebbe or mashgiach
Most bochurim dread this conversation. It’s usually far easier than they feared; a good rebbe or mashgiach has heard it many times.
A few things help:
- Pick the right person. Someone you trust, not necessarily the most senior.
- Ask for private time. “Can I speak to the rebbe about something personal?” is enough.
- Say it simply. You don’t need details. “I’ve been struggling with shmiras einayim, with things on the internet, and I can’t stop on my own” says what matters.
- Say what you need. Chizuk, help with safeguards, or help finding a therapist.
- Know that he and a therapist work together. He can guide you in halacha, give chizuk, and help you think about teshuva. When it’s become a compulsion, he’ll usually want you to get professional help too. That’s a good sign, not a rejection.
If you want, I can speak with your rebbe or mashgiach, with your written permission, so that his guidance and the treatment point the same way. He guides you in halacha and avodas Hashem, and I bring the clinical side. We work together, each in our own area.
For parents
Finding out your son is struggling with porn can knock the air out of you.
What helps most:
- Stay calm in front of him. If he sees shock or disgust, he’ll learn to hide better.
- Separate the behavior from the boy. He’s not a bad son. He has a problem that can be treated.
- Get him real help, and get support for yourselves too.
If he did tell you, he trusted you. Honor that.
You’re welcome to call me. I’m glad to guide you and keep you as involved as I can. What your son shares in therapy stays his to share, and with his permission, I’m happy to bring you into the picture. That way you’re not left in the dark, he has real privacy, and everyone’s dignity is respected.
Learning in Israel: when online therapy or an intensive makes sense
A lot of the bochurim who contact me are learning in Eretz Yisroel, far from home, often in their first year away from home after mesivta. A struggle that was manageable at home can get worse in a dorm, with more freedom, more loneliness, and fewer people watching.
Online therapy works well for most bochurim. It fits around sedorim, from any private room, and nobody in yeshiva needs to know.
A short intensive makes sense when the struggle has become a compulsion, when weekly work isn’t holding, or when something has come out and needs a serious response. In person, intensives run one to four weeks in Ramat Beit Shemesh. Bein hazmanim is a great time for one. If you can’t come in person, an online intensive usually runs three to six months. You can read more about the intensive in Israel or how intensives work.
Whichever you choose, I plan, coordinate, and supervise your treatment personally, and every intensive ends with a written aftercare plan.
What treatment actually looks like
We start by understanding what’s going on, without shame. Then we work on the pattern: when it hits, what sets it off, and what it does for you. Usually it’s doing a job: handling stress, loneliness, or pressure they’ve never talked about.
You get a clear definition of sobriety from me at the start. No inappropriate imagery. For a married man, no sex with yourself and no sex with anyone other than your wife. For a single man, no sex of any kind. You don’t set it yourself, and it doesn’t move. Then we build safeguards that protect you without humiliating you, and a plan for the day after a slip, so one bad night doesn’t become a lost zman.
More on how I work with frum clients: my page on treatment for Orthodox Jewish men, or in my guide to getting help in the frum world.
Common questions
Is it normal for a yeshiva bochur to struggle with this?
It’s very common, even among the most serious bochurim. If you can’t stop on your own, get help.
Is it porn addiction, or just a struggle?
I’m Brad Salzman, LCSW, CSAT, and bochurim and parents ask me this all the time. If you’ve looked at porn and stopped once you put real safeguards in place, it’s probably a struggle. If you’ve tried many times and can’t stop, it’s grown, or it’s how you cope, it has likely become an addiction, and it’s worth a call.
Will my yeshiva find out?
Not from me. What you share stays confidential, and with online therapy nobody sees you walk in.
Should I tell my parents?
Often it helps, and many parents handle it far better than their sons expect. If you’re not sure how, we can talk about it on the first call. Either way, what you share in therapy stays yours to share.
Start with one call
You don’t have to keep carrying this through every seder. Whether you’re a bochur or a parent, a free, confidential 15-minute call is the first step. Tell me what’s going on, ask anything, and decide afterward.
Call or WhatsApp (212) 529-7900, or book your free call.